The kids are out of school for the day because of teacher training. I gave them plenty of warning ahead of time that I had work to do, so unless they were on fire, accidentally chopped off a finger, shaved the dog, or fell down the stairs, that they were to leave me alone for a little while so I could get some work done. Sounds easy enough, in theory.
I’ve been trying to write one blog post. One. For over two hours now. Something that normally takes me 20-30 minutes, if it’s a long post. There have been so many interruptions and distractions that I can’t even remember what the heck I was even trying to write. I had to hide. Literally hide. To do this.
Sit back down, start to re-read the last two sentences to get my train of thought back. “What? You want a snack, ALREADY? You just had breakfast an hour ago, how can you be hungry already? Fine, go get one from the pantry.” Return to last sentence. “You can’t reach the snack? Kate, go help your brother….. Your mascara can wait, I’m trying to work. Remember? You’re both to pretend I’m not here…. Fine, forget it, I’ll get it.” The choice between cheddar penguin crackers and oyster crackers takes five minutes. Get your own juice box. Return to last sentence.
“No, I don’t know where that shirt is. Did you check your closet? How about your laundry hamper? What the hell was that noise!?!” Proceed to run into the bathroom, expecting to see my son lying on the floor with a huge gash in his head from passing out and smacking it on the sink before he collapsed. Walk in to find the dog has jumped into the bathtub to eat the soap, and knocked down the shower curtain from the wall. Which knocked down the shelf unit and all its contents. Son of a…..
Finish cleaning up the dogs mess in the bathroom, go to check that he actually has water in his dish. There’s a full bowl. Pump clenched fist in dogs face, walk back to the desk. Find Word has frozen…. Reboot. Re-open Word. Document not saved. Son of a….
Son comes up, starts 20 minute conversation about a level in Mario Galaxy that he’s never even played before. Fake interest, because who wants to feel ignored? “Yeah, that sounds really fun, honey. Now can you go play for a little bit so I can get some work done, please?” He bounces away to his room. Daughter comes up, wants to use the phone and call her friend…. Daughter doesn’t know where the phone is… Get up, hunt down phone. Find phone, sit back down only to think there’s no way in hell I’m ever going to get any damn work done. Son comes up, it’s lunchtime and he’s hungry. We proceed to go through the usual routine; I ask him what he wants, and then he begins pretending he’s trying to decide while he looks through the entire contents of the fridge, cabinets, and pantry. But we both know he’s in the end going to ask for peanut butter and jelly. Make lunch, sit the kid down to eat, walk back to desk.
Phone rings, it’s my mother in law. Finish conversation, sit back down (because for some reason I ALWAYS have to pace when I’m talking on the phone, no idea why) and try to write FIRST sentence. Again. Dogs barking, he wants out. Again. Get up and open the door to let him out, only seeing a second too late that there’s a bunny in the yard. But it’s too late, he’s plowed through my legs almost knocking me over and chasing after the freaked out bunny. Bunny runs and hides under the logs…. By the creek…. Stop and ponder for a moment whether to go into the yard and threaten the dog with every insult and curse word I’ve ever heard in my life, or just let him run away. Too late, dogs in the creek… muddy paw prints… vacuum…
Two hours later… no idea what I was going to write in my blog post, but am almost positive that it was to be the most profound, earth moving blog post of all blog posts ever written. Note to self, write down blog post ideas on a list… Ten minutes later, quietly pick up laptop, hide it under hoodie, and proceed toward the bathroom.
“Where you going, mom?” they say in unison.
“To the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”
Go into bathroom, sit on edge of bathtub and open up laptop to write blog post….
Daughter is talking to me through the door about a new face wash she read about, apparently promising to be the best invention since indoor plumbing. If I were actually trying to pee this would be really annoying. "Can you give me a minute, please?" I shout.
Return to unwritten blog post. Damn, the bathtub is really uncomfortable to sit on. What was I going to write about, again? Ah hell, who knows...